Hey, lady, you, lady
Cursin' at your life
You're a discontented mother
And a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about
The things you never do
But I wish someone had've talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you
Ooh, I've been to Georgia and California
And anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
And we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me
Please, lady Please, lady
Don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you
Why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
Still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart
That has lived a million lies?
Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
While I sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
And showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
And I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see
I've been to paradise
But I've never been
To me
Ooooh
I've been to paradise...
Never been to me. More! More!
More!
Oh, please!
Next! Put it away, sweetie!
Ugh!
Are you OK? Yeah.
That was fuckin' charming, you gutless pack of dickheads.
Fuck off, you talentless dog! What was that?
Show us your pink bits! No!
Know why this microphone has such a long cord?
So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up YOUR arse.
Christ almighty!
What the fuck's going on out there tonight?
Are you hurt?
Alright, which one of you bitches sat on my dress?
Tick, darling, it's for you.
Hello. Ding dong, Avon calling.
Howdy, sunshine. Long time no hear.
Where? Emergency ward A.
Mr Belrose?
Yes?
So... how about it?
Leave him alone! Fuck off!
Get... get off him!
Taxi! Taxi!
Yeah?
Bernadette? It's Tick.
Sorry to call you so late, but I...
Hey, are you OK?
No, I'm not.
Well... what's the matter?
Trumpet just died.
"...and established it on the floods."
"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside the still waters.
"He restoreth my soul.
"He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness..."
"...for his name's sake.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
"I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
"Thy rod and staff comfort me.
"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
"Thou anointest my head with oil. My cup runneth over.
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all my life,
"and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
It's not fair.
I spent half my life and all my savings
trying to snag a sympathetic husband.
And the selfish little shit goes and dies on me.
25 years old, and he goes and slips over in a bathroom.
He didn't slip.
He was peroxiding his hair at home and he asphyxiated on the fumes.
I need some space.
I've, um... been asked to do a show out of town.
That's nice. Well, why don't you come with me?
I'll need some help, and... we could both use the break.
You're not wrong. Where is it?
Um... Alice Springs.
You've got to be fucking joking!
Wo-Man is a... unique range of speciality facial products
designed for the more... heavy-duty woman in us all.
Now, um... this week...
Excuse me.
Um... hello?
How long is the run?
Four weeks.
Equity minimum, two shows a night, accommodation included.
I can't just sit around here crying all the time.
Jesus! My mascara keeps running. I look like a raccoon.
Good girl! That's the spirit.
Here's hoping the desert's big enough for the two of us.
Um... three of us.
A desert holiday
Let's pack the drag away
You take the lunch and tea I'll take the ecstasy
Fuck off, you silly queer
I'm getting out of here
A desert holiday Hip, hip, hip, hip, hooray.
Why?
Why not?
Look, he's turned into a bloody good little performer.
That's right.
A bloody good little performer.
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I thought we were escaping this shit.
Two's company, three's a party, Bernadette my sweet.
We're unplugging our curling wands and going bush, Felicia.
Why would you possibly leave all this glamour
for a hike into nowhere?
You really want to know? Desperately.
Well, ever since I was a lad I've had this dream -
a dream that I now, finally, have a chance to fulfil.
And that is...?
To travel to the centre of Australia,
climb Kings Canyon - as a queen -
in a full-length Gaultier sequin, heels and a tiara.
Great. That's just what this country needs.
A cock in a frock on a rock.
Get back in your kennels, both of you.
Now, the first thing we have to work out...
...is how the hell we get there.
Ta-da!
What do you think?
When do we have to return it to the school?
We don't. We own it.
What?!
Well, I met some nice 'Svedish' tourists called Lars, Lars and Lars
and I coaxed it out of them for $10,000.
We can't afford it. Well, that's right.
"Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback
"would help me get over this little 'phase' I'm going through.
"And you never know - I might meet some lovely country girl."
I hereby christen this budget Barbie camper...
...Priscilla -
Queen of the Desert.
That's got to be the understatement of the century.
Mum!
Ladies and gentlemen!
We're here today to see off a very brave woman
who will attempt to cross a continent alone.
On behalf of all her sponsors...
Ladies...
...start your engines.
This old man He played two
He played knick-knack with my poo...
Please! Knick-knack paddy-whack...
Give me a break! This old man came rolling home.
Four fat trannies working on the wall
And if one fat trannie should accidentally fall...
My darling Clementine
Da da da da...
How long have we been on the road?
4 and a half hours.
I've got a splitting headache already.
Happy hour! Mother's ruin pour moi.
Long Island tea... And a Stoli and tonic for me.
Stupid cow. Well, listen to this one.
After we did the Abba show,
Kevin had one of those liposuction penis enlargements.
He didn't? Yep.
Know what they do?
They siphon fat from your love handles
and inject it into your wing-wang.
Ugh! Yucky!
It gives a new meaning to "cracking a fat", though.
Baaa-aaaa! Baaa-aaaa!
Listen to yourselves! You sound like two fat slags at a pie bake-off.
Well, your contribution to the conversation
hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice.
Gee, poor Kevin's dick.
There can't be much room down there
with his brain taking up so much space already.
No, I'll join this conversation
on the proviso that we stop bitching about people,
talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes,
penises, drugs, nightclubs and bloody Abba!
Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?
Hey, can you confirm a rumour for me?
Is it true her real name's Ralph? Shh!
How do you like your little boys, girls?
You don't have to answer that.
Oh, my God. What is this - 'Outback with Benny Hill'?
Just leave mine outside the door at about 8am
along with an orange juice and toast, please.
Why, certainly, madam.
Would you like vegemite or jam with that?
Er... knock knock. Room service.
Can't you read the sign - "Do not disturb"?
Come back in the morning. Ha ha. Open the door.
Goodnight, Bernice. Goodnight, Mitzi.
Open the fucking door!
OK, if you don't open the door... I'm gonna sing.
Fine. You asked for it.
I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby
It's no fun with the sun around
'Cause I get going when the sun goes down
And I meet my baby...
That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss
And then we kiss some more
Don't ask how many times... Night, John-boy.
Waaah!
I'm seriously falling asleep.
It's your shift and you're sticking to it.
Serves you right for staying out all night... slut.
Well, I won't make it.
I don't care if the sun don't...
Oh, fuck off, grandma.
You alright?
Me? Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm just thinking.
Sorry.
Shit!
What is it?
Perhaps we should've flown.
Bzzt! Wrong! But thanks for playing.
Anyone else? No!
Witchetty grub. Your turn.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'R'.
Rectum. No.
Ring pirate. No.
Road.
Alright, that's it. What's the matter with you?
Nothing, darling. Don't 'darling' me, darling.
Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse.
Now 'fess up. Just... worried about the show.
We haven't done any rehearsals yet...
We've got two weeks! There's plenty of time to rehearse.
Now, what is your problem?
No problem. I just...
I just want this show to be good.
How the fuck did you get this job, Mitzi?
Who is the fish that runs this hotel in the middle of nowhere, anyway?
Your mother? No, my wife.
Ooh, don't tell me you've got an ex- boyfriend
tucked away out here somewhere.
No, my WIFE!
I'm married.
And when the joint bank account ran dry after a couple of years...
...I guess I preferred her wedding ring to mine, so... no drama.
We swapped and called it a day.
This is getting too weird.
YOU and a woman.
What did she do for kicks?
Put a bucket on your head and swing off the handle?
There are two things I don't like about you, Felicia.
Your face! So how about shutting both of them?
Well, at least this explains your abysmal batting average, Mitz.
I often wondered why your dance card was so empty.
You never got a divorce, then?
Well, girls, what can I say?
Here's to a secret very well kept.
Shame it won't stay that way, isn't it?
Mmm! Got any more little surprises you'd like to share with us?
Haven't got any kids stashed away out there, have you?
Look...
...I haven't lied about anything.
After six years I get phone call out of nowhere, screaming for help,
and Christ knows I owe her some favours.
I'm sorry that I never told you.
I'm not sorry that you're here.
Don't worry about it, dolls.
I'm as jealous as all hell.
What?
So, was it a big wedding?
Get lots of pressies, did you?
I wish I was OLD enough to have been there.
Oh, ha ha.
I would've bought you
a lovely matching set of hers and hers bathmats.
Oh, give it a rest. Not on your life!
Oh, imagine! Mitzi the magnificent and her blushing bride.
Mowing those lawns must've been murder on your heels, though.
Alright, Felicia. That's enough.
Let's put some money in that seething cesspool mouth of yours.
If I win this game,
you will NEVER mention my wife EVER in my presence again, OK?
And if I win? Name your price.
Well, now...
What would I like
more than anything else in the whole wide world?
Snap!
Better be quick.
What the fuck am I doing?
Take that bloody frock off, Felicia - don't make it worse than it is.
Think I'll let YOU get all the attention? No chance!
Come on, girls. Let's go shopping.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
I love the night-life I've got to boogie
On the disco Ah-ha, oh, yeah
Oh, I love the night-life
I've got to boogie
On the disco Ah-ha, oh, yeah...
Oh, I just adore these hats!
Please don't talk about love tonight
Your sweet talking won't make it right
Loving lies just bring me down
When you've got women all over town
You can love them all
And when you're through
Maybe they'll make...
You've got to be kidding!
Welcome to Mario Palace!
Come in. Come in.
Come in.
What can I do for you?
You'd like a room, madam?
Subtle.
Oh, tackarama!
Who does all the painting around here?
Someone with no arms or right foot, by the look of things.
Ugh, for goodness sakes get down off that crucifix!
Someone needs the wood.
What have we here?!
What fun! Baby bottles of booze!
Oh!
Gather round, girls - let me show you a trick.
You, um, drink the gin...
Ah!
...ah, fill the bottle with water and... put it back.
Va-t'en vous. What about the Scotch?
Ah... that's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy.
Very clever. Cheers, girls.
And congratulations, Mitzi darling. You did it.
One lap of the Broken Hill main drag IN drag.
That'll teach you to take on
the Fairmont Boys School snap champion.
Here's to being off the fucking bus.
Chookers.
So... all dolled up and nowhere to go.
I sure as shit am not going to sit in here all evening.
I'm in!
Oh, alright.
Here's hoping they have a decent cocktail bar.
Hello.
Could I please have a Stoli and tonic,
a bloody Mary and a lime daiquiri, please?
Well!
Look what the cat dragged in!
What have we got here, eh?
A couple of showgirls, have we?
Where did you ladies come in from?
Uranus?
Could I please have a Stol... No!
Ya can't have!
Ya can't have nothin'.
We've got nothin' here for people like you. Nothin'!
Now listen here, you mullet.
Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart?
Because it's the only bang you'll ever get, sweetheart!
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby
Oh, it's no fun...
What could be more soothing
than coming home after a hard day's work down the mine
to the wo-man in us all?
Now, don't send any money. OK?
Ooh!
Oooooh!
OOOOH!
Shit!
All I can see is female impersonators.
This has got to be a first.
Nobody's ever outdrunk old Shirl before.
Where'd you learn to throw 'em back like that?
That's our girl, Bernadette.
Stumbling around the pub circuit with Les Girls for 200 years
must've taught her something.
You're a bloody marvel, Bernie.
Bernadette, please. What's that?
My name isn't Bernie. She said her name isn't Bernie.
It's Ralph!
Come on! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
What did you call me? "What did you call me" what?
What did you call me back there in the bar?
Sorry... Ralph!
You fucking idiot! Oh!
Oh! Fuck!
Oh! Fuckin'... Oh! Fuck!
Get off me, you fuckin'... Oh!
Don't worry. It's only my fucken head!
At least the bump on your head's bigger than your prick!
Why don't you ust get fucked, you stupid old fist?!
Oh, piss off, you little faggot!
Listen, you're so bloody boring...
If your mouth was as big as your dick...
Good morning. Morning.
It's funny, you know.
No matter how tough I think I'm getting...
...it still hurts.
Hope it still works.
Don't have much call for it here.
Where are you blokes from?
Uranus. Oh, good.
There! Left!
I hope you know what you're doing.
If we stick to the sealed road we'll be at it for at least another two days.
Take the short cut.
One more push, I'll smack his face so hard
he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth.
Just lay off!
I said not to use the 'R' word. What did you go and do?
I was only having fun. Fun?
What else do you do for amusement - slam your fingers in car doors?
What's the point?
It gives me a kick seeing people get hot-headed.
Is it true when you were born the doctor slapped your mother?
What sort of... bent childhood did you have, Adam Whitely?
Adam! Adam!
Come in here, boy.
Come and sit over here.
Would you like to have some fun with Uncle Barry?
We're gonna play a SPECIAL game,
but you can't tell anybody
ever, ever, ever, OK?
Now, I want you to put your hand down here
and pull very gently, OK?
Very gently.
That's good. That's good.
Ooh!
Jesus Christ, Adam! Get help!
Adam, Uncle Barry's penie-pie is caught in the drain.
Get Mummy. Get Mummy!
No! Whaddya mean 'No'?!
Never, ever, ever!
You know the best part?
Mum was out playing golf
and the dirty old fuck was stuck there for seven hours!
I thought they were small and wrinkled
BEFORE they got in the water!
Hey, I've got a joke.
Who wants to hear a joke?
Come on, Bernice,
you'll laugh SO hard, your lashes will curl by themselves.
Do tell us your hilarious joke.
OK.
Well, once upon a time, many moons ago,
there was a famous bunch of Indians called the Fuck-are- we tribe.
One day, the son of the great Indian chief says to his father,
"Dad, why is my friend Little Hawk called Little Hawk?"
And his father says...
"Why do you ask..." "Two Dogs Fucking?"
That's NOT the end of the joke.
So anyway, back to me.
Jesus! What's happening?
Um... I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Felicia.
Where the fuck are we?
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Oh, shit!
Well, I've had a look around
and we can safely assume that I now know less about motors
than I did when I lifted up that, uh... that bonnety thing.
Now what?
Let's not think about it yet and eat brekkie, shall we?
Oh, that's a novel idea.
Let's stuff ourselves to death.
Imagine the headlines.
'Whales beach themselves in the outback'.
'Mystery bumsticks dead in drag'.
There's no point walking back.
The only life I've seen is hypnotised bunnies
and they're now mostly wedged in the tyres.
Surely somebody will drive past. We'll keep the fire burning.
Yes, and toast marshmallows and chill champagne for their arrival.
What if they DON'T drive past?
Look, you're not helping here. Just eat your hormones.
"Help". Why didn't we stick to the main road?
What difference does it make?! You started this, Anthony Belrose.
Start thinking about how to get us back
or I don't fancy your chances of being a husband again.
Jesus. What are we gonna do?
We're gonna start with a little face- lift.
Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day.
Purple?!
It's not PURPLE. It's lavender.
Whaddya think?
Oh, it's nice... in a hideous sort of a way.
Where are you going?
If you think I'm sitting around
watching Picasso take on the public transport system
you've got another thing coming.
I'll be back with the cavalry in a few hours.
There goes a transsexual. Last seen heading south.
We called her Bernie, but her real name was...
Adam!
Oooee!
Aaaggh!
Oh!
Help! Help!
What's that, Pa? What?
Up there, yer nong.
Looks like a woman!
Help!
Oh, thank God.
Thank you.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face...
You fucken beauty!
Ooh, ooh, shit. Ooh.
Aaah! Bernie, I'm so glad to see you!
I wish I could say the same.
I was just drawing up the will. Come and meet our saviours.
Tony, Adam, this is Mr and Mrs Spencer.
Hello! Hello!
Stop! Stop!
Shit.
Oh, for goodness sakes, look at yourself, Mitz.
How many times do I have to tell you green is not your colour?
Do you think about Trumpet much?
No.
Trumpet was just a nice kid who had a thing about transsexuals.
Lots of people do.
Sort of... bent status symbol, you know.
"My girlfriend used to be a boyfriend" - that sort of thing.
Always good for a supper invite.
Still... it was better than nothing.
You know, I never heard him play.
Play?
He didn't PLAY, dear.
Trumpet didn't have a musical bone in his body.
No, Trumpet had an unusually large foreskin.
So large, in fact,
he could wrap the entire thing around a Monte Carlo biscuit.
Nothing. Nothing for miles.
Can you hear the drums, Fernando...
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
No more fuckin' Abba.
OK, we may as well put the time to good use.
Come on, girls. Off your snatches.
Rehearsal time.
Nah, nah, nah...
And so you're back From outer space...
OK? Two bobs to start with, alright?
Boring. Ready?
Da da da da
Dee dee dee dee
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
This look upon your face...
Oh, I did this years ago.
You did it SO beautifully and darling, you do it SO well.
Right, from the top.
One, two...
Go on, now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye...
Aaaagh!
Hello.
Nice night for it.
Feel alright
Yes, I feel alright
Well, I feel alright with you right by my side...
I think we just... crashed a party.
No, come on. You'll be right.
Welcome to my office. Have a seat.
Bernice, what possibly possessed you to wear THAT to a corroboree?
Shut your face.
Bravo! Fabulous!
Well, girls, I guess it's our turn.
At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
And made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble Think I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live and I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive I will survive
Hey, hey...
Hey, take a look at that.
Ooooh! I've got an idea!
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
So you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me
Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore...
So... you actually make money by dressing up like a woman?
Oh, sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels.
Why, Allen? Do you want a job?
Oh! If only this dress could talk.
Sometimes I wonder where I get my taste.
Definitely not my mother.
Serves me right for letting her buy me these awful clothes.
What's this?
That, darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole wide world.
But what is it?
Once I went on a pilgrimage backstage to an Abba concert,
hoping to grab an audience with Her Royal Highness, Agnetha.
Well, when she ducked into the ladies loo,
naturally I followed her in...
...and after she'd finished her business
I ducked into the cubicle
only to find she'd left a little gift in the toilet bowl.
What are you telling me?
This is an Abba turd?
I know what we can do with THIS.
Are you right?
Hang on!
OK! Go!
Whoo-hoo!
There! Whoo-hoo!
Afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
What a nice dog.
What's its name?
Herpes.
If she's good, she'll heel.
Things get pretty quiet around here.
We're a bit starved of entertainment.
Glad we could oblige.
How does it look?
Well, your gas tank's chock-a-block full of crud.
Travelling a rough road on a low tank chucks it into the motor.
Your fuel line's blocked, injectors are stuffed...
So does that mean you can fix it? In the short term.
What you blokes need is a new gas tank.
Don't suppose there's one lying around?
No, sorry.
Could pick one up in Coober Pedy in about a week.
When do you have to be in Alice? Six days.
We can clear it out and hope for the best.
You might make it.
Won't know unless you try.
Refreshments!
Lemonade here - I make!
That's very nice, darling. Please... go back inside.
Lemonade here - I make. Lemonade for guests.
No, darling, please!
I make chockrit cracker!
Thank you!
We put cream on?
Er... no, no. It's... um... face cream.
It's for face. Ah!
Bob, Cynthia - thank you.
I love lamb with meringue.
Thank you for the company.
Like I said, new faces are hard to come by here.
What were you doing off the highway?
Oh, now, that's a bloody good question.
Glad you bothered. Don't get your type out here very often.
Me like to sing too - me like... Yeah, pretty damn quiet.
Thought about opening a video business,
but I suppose we gotta wait for television first.
Me perform for you. Me dance too.
My wife was in the, uh... entertainment business.
Yeah. You perform here?
You thinking of performing here?
I mean, you'll be here at least another night.
Um... well, the thought hadn't really... crossed my mind.
Well, I'll talk to Wally at the pub. Everybody would love it.
Oh, I'm not sure our show would go down too well out here.
What kind of cabaret do you do?
We dress up in women's clothes
and parade around mouthing the words to other people's songs.
You mean, sort of like them... what are they called?
Les Girls?
Yeah, I've seen 'em in Sydney when I was young!
Fantastic! Just terrific!
Bob, you are looking at probably the most famous Les Girl ever produced!
You're kidding me! Give me a break.
I was never that famous. I'm not joking.
What? I mean, I wouldn't have seen you, but...
That was 30 years back. Oh, you'd be surprised.
Me perform for you. Me sing...!
No, Cynthia. You no perform. They perform, not you.
Well! A real live Les Girls show.
Right, this calls for a celebration.
Maybe this isn't a good idea. Oh, shut your twat.
Our frocks were the sensation of Broken Hill, remember?
Broken Hill had a K-Mart. They knew what a frock was.
Christ, you should see this woman's dress.
It's not a frock. It's a piece of corrugated iron!
Can I come in? Only if you're single!
Oh, you look, uh... incredible.
Where did we find him?
Keep dishing out the compliments, Bob.
Flattery gets you everywhere.
Now, where's that lovely wife of yours?
She's at home. She's, uh... not allowed in the pub anymore.
Really? Why?
Alcohol problem - when she's in the pub she makes a fool of herself.
I know how she feels.
Well, we're all waiting. Are you ready?
Bob...
...we're having second thoughts.
You can't back out. Every man and his dog's here.
They're not chained up are they? Oh, you blokes!
Sorry. You girls.
You'll be fine. Take my word for it.
There's nothing more that I'd like to do
Than take the floor and dance with you
Keep dancing Let's keep dancing
Shake it! Shake it!
Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah!
Show them how to do it now Show them how to do it now!
YEAH!
Yeah, right.
Here she goes!
What the hell is going on?
Oh, she's not!
Is she?
Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball!
Do you want a bet?